Come on get happy.
For DK, and anyone else interested in being notified when I update, send me an email and I’ll add you to my notify list (I’ll still update my diaryland page).
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In my last entry, I talked about having congestive heart failure in 1997. To say I have a checkered medical history would be putting it lightly (as Kay says, I’m a “medical marvel”). I almost died, mostly because I knew something was wrong with me, and I kept avoiding going to the hospital, because I knew it was bad. The fact that I couldn’t walk, couldn’t breathe, and could literally make dents in my legs because they were so swollen and full of water wasn’t encouragement enough (yes, I have serious psychological issues). Finally, my mother forced me, and I ended up having blood pressure that was 210/140, and my pulse ox (the oxygen saturation of your blood, which should be 100%) was 84. I had to have an IV of nitro glycerin, and non-stop oxygen. My heart was enlarged, and I had retained many (MANY) pounds of water.
My doctor told me that I had cardiomyopathy, and that my heart would be enlarged for the rest of my life, and that I would have to take a handfull of heart pills forever, too.
For most people, that would be one of those “scared straight” situations where they have a life-changing epiphany and turn their life around for the better. And for the first few months, I did. I was walking every day, and eating very sensibly. I had stopped smoking, and was losing weight.
I work really well as long as there is a large degree of fear involved. As long as I thought I was going to die at any moment, I didn’t eat any fried food, didn’t drink, didn’t do anything I shouldn’t. But it’s when I do cross over, and have that cheeseburger and don’t immediately keel over, that I fall off my path, and screw myself.
This happened to me. I started smoking again, I was drinking a lot, and I started slipping fast food back into my diet (though, not even close to the amount of food I was eating before the CHF - I literally ate at Taco Bell EVERY DAY). I knew that I was damaging myself, and that I could probably kill myself, but that didn’t stop me (well, I stopped smoking, and I don’t drink often - and I do still eat junk food occasionally).
I realized when I was watching Angie Stone on Celebrity Fit Club that she was me (and in some areas, IS me). I am the queen of excuses. I can come up with a hundred reasons right now why I can’t do some form of exercise when I get home from work at five o’clock.
I’m not saying that I’m proud of the fact that I hate exercise, I just do. I deplore the idea of doing some boring, forced activity. Of walking in circles for an hour, or on some treadmill, walking and walking and walking, yet going nowhere. I can walk for hours, if I don’t think it’s exercise. I hate to say these things, because I know most people who do exercise don’t like it, but they still do it. I just can’t do it, and continue to do it. I lack motivation, in a major way (for some reason, my health is not a motivating factor. I already admitted to having head problems).
That gets me to the point of this entry. I have been avoiding going to my surgeon’s office to discuss my hernia repair surgery because I was supposed to lose a major amount of weight in the four months since I’ve been there. And while I have tried, I have not been able to (which is why I had gastric bypass surgery to begin with). I am not proud of it, but it’s true. I have beat myself up over this, I have hated myself, and been angry, and depressed, and frustrated. I have cried, and yelled, and thrown things in my anger.
I am confounded with my own need to destroy my success. I have wanted my entire life to not be fat anymore. Yet I have been too lazy to do the work. I became a food addict. I finally gave in to my doctor’s suggestion and had a radical surgery to lose weight. And it worked for a while, until this fucking hernia came along and stopped it, with 100 pounds to go.
Now, on Sepember 25th, I have to go into the surgeon’s office, and explain to him why I have probably only lost about ten or fifteen pounds in the last four months, instead of the eighty that he told me to lose. What excuse will I give, then?
I won’t. I will tell him the truth - that I could not do this. I have tried, and I have failed. For some reason, I don’t care enough about myself to take control of my food issues and face them head on. I am, by weight loss surgery standards, a failure. Even though I am 125 pounds lighter than before, it’s still considered “poor weight loss”.
I think that because I’ve been fat my whole life, it’s been like a security blanket. Even though I’ve hated it, and myself, I’ve still kept it around. I think I am afraid to be thinner. To be “normal” (whatever the fuck that is). To have people look at me differently, and notice me when they might not have before. To have to worry about things I never did before. Or maybe to not have anything to worry about at all. Maybe I want something to hate. I need to keep it so I can keep being angry. So I can continue to be miserable, because maybe I’m one of those people that I hate - someone that is only happy if she’s unhappy.
Fuck that. I don’t want to be unhappy.
Now I just need to figure out how.
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I know I’m whining. And I know that there are plenty of you sitting there thinking, “Fuck you, Andria. Stop complaining and fucking DO IT.” Â
I really am making an effort to figure this shit out. This has weighed so heavily on me recently (oh, god, I really did pun right there, didn’t I?), that it’s affected my relationships with my friends, and it’s even seeped into my conversations with Scott. It’s made me even more bitter and cynical than usual.
I try not to write about this here, because it IS whining and complaining, and I don’t like it. But I have to get it off my chest.
And off my ass. And every other flabby place.
(I know the formatting is all wonky. I hate it)
14 Comments »
Comment by GoingLoopy
August 28, 2006 @
I hear you. For the last month I’ve been trying to convince myself that the gym is really not THAT bad and I LIKE to go there and it would make me look and feel better…but it’s not. even. working.
However, you should still be proud of the 125. It’s not like it was handed to you…you have dealt with a lot to get there, sister.
Comment by awittykitty
August 28, 2006 @
First check out your success: 125 frickin’ pounds, Andria! Andria? That is fucking amazing!!! So you think you’re a failure because you can’t lose even more weight. Well, first of all, it isn’t easy. Exercise doesn’t have to be all boring though. Are you trying to do this alone? Ever think of getting a diet buddy? Or an exercise buddy? Not necessarily those pansy ass cheerleaders at Weight Watchers. Just a friend you check in with, or walk with on a daily basis. I found that really helpful. Going it alone is tough. I grew up with a mother who constantly commented on my weight. She still makes fun of “fat” people and she’s about 100 lbs. overweight.
Have you ever considered hypnosis? It may sound flakey, but I lost 65 lbs. with it. I wasn’t even aware of the “suggestion” they made to me, but suddenly I no longer binged or ate between meals or ate fatty foods. It was like magical. You might consider something like that. Sorry this is so long. Just want you to have a shot at being happy and healthy, cuz I’m kind of rooting for you. 
Comment by warcrygirl
August 28, 2006 @
Damn, girl, you lost a whole person! That’s how much I want to weigh again, incidentally. I know how you feel; knowing that a little exercise definitely will help me lose weight yet I never seem to do any real exercise, hence the perptual 7 lbs weight loss that I can’t seem to get past. Too bad we don’t live near each other; we could go walking and make fun of people we see out on our walk.
Comment by Bunny828
August 29, 2006 @
{{{Hugs}}} While I don’t have any answers and didn’t loose 125 lbs, I feel I understand where you are. I feel like I’m in a similar place. Unhappy with my weight, knowing it’s causing me health issues and not completely willing to do anything about it.
Comment by scott
August 29, 2006 @
…as if you can’t talk to me about any damned thing. besides, this hussy could walk the legs off of a thoroughbred. and i’m a mutt.
Comment by Meany
August 29, 2006 @
Andria. Dude. You rock. You lost ONE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS. I mean, shit, I get excited when I lose five. Don’t you sweat this, okay? (Although sweating is an excellent way to lose weight. Mmmm, sauna!) Much love.
Comment by scotvalkyrie
August 29, 2006 @
Hey, Andria, I’ve been there . . but I’m proud of you for stepping up and saying that you couldn’t make it work.
Comment by RSRott
August 29, 2006 @
I can relate to what you are feeling with the weight issues as well. It’s been a life-long struggle for me too and I can’t ever seem to figure it out either. It can be so frustrating!
But know that there are a bunch of people cheering you on (even those of us who don’t know you in “real life”)
Comment by nogooddaddy
August 29, 2006 @
I’ll cheer you on but at the same time will stand behind your shoulder with a bullhorn and scream at you. Keep at it because no one’s going to do it for yuo (trite but true). Think of all the more HOARISH things you could be were you feeling better. That in itself should be incentive enough.
Comment by DanjerusKurves
August 29, 2006 @
And there I was thinking that you had a big heart just because you loved us all so much! . . . Yah, exercise SUCKS, I hate it. But … you can read a book or watch telly or listen to music in order to distract yourself from what you are doing. Or go for a walk on the beach. Or get a hot studly trainer… 
And when I get around to shedding the 8-lbs I have gained then I’ll take some new photos. Trust me, on my frame, that amount of weight SHOWS.
Comment by Clipchick
August 29, 2006 @
There’s a balance to everything. You’ve done great, which proves that you can accomplish whatever you want to. Of course it’s not easy, and kicking yourself in the butt is so hard (Physically as well as mentally), but you DO have quite a huge fan club.
I’m pulling for you! I’m also sending a lot of positive vibes your way. Have you picked up on them yet?
I also don’t think you’re whining at all. You need to get it out of your system somehow, and talking about it is a much more healthy way of dealing than letting it all get pent up and adding to your stress level.
I’m cheering for you!
Comment by Incredipete
August 29, 2006 @
I think everyone has something self-destructive in their lives. For some its weight, for some its perpetually falling for the same kind of jerky person, and for others its porn. (porn is the best option, btw) When you look around, I bet you 50$ you won’t find anyone who doesn’t do something self-destructive because it’s easier than trying to change themselves. The fact is, nobody here is going to judge you, because all of us have something we’re doing that isn’t good for us… physically, emotionally, psychologically… some of us are just really talented at keeping other people from finding out what it is.
Keep up the fight that you’ve already come so far on. I’m reminded in a strange way to when I was 3 years into my college. I was frustrated, I wanted to quit, I was working way too much and I just couldn’t see the point. I already had a decent job. Then someone said “Pete, your education is going to take another 5 years to finish… how old will you be in five years?” “29″ I answered. “Pete, how old will you be in five years if you DON’T finish your education?”
Crap. 29. I guess what I’m trying to get at is even if it’s slow and it’s frustrating and it seems like you’re working hard and the results aren’t coming as quick as they should… 5 years from now, those small results will have added up to big results.
How glad I am that I didn’t quit college. It’s still going slow, but now I can see the finish line.
Comment by Lando
August 30, 2006 @
i’m totally trying to lose dead weight also, but Loopy keeps coming over. HAHAHA. oh shit. *hides*
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Comment by Prolifique
August 28, 2006 @
It didn’t seem like whining to me, but then I can relate to your feelings in some ways, so maybe that’s why. I wish I could help you. *hug*