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My new favorite show is The Real Housewives of New York City, which I previously boycotted out of loyalty to my shallow Orange County housewives, who I love. (Except Jo. UGH.) But Kay forced me to watch, and now I’m hooked. These women are so moronic, self-centered, and UNsophisticated that it makes me laugh through the entire show - mostly because all they do is talk about how they’ll never leave New York, because it’s the center of education, taste, and sophistication, which of course means that they have all those things. (WRONG.)

My favorite couple, of course, is Alex and Simon. Kay and I have studied them very carefully, and deduced that they were the kids in high school that were super-dorky and uncool and had no friends, and tried really hard to be cool and just came off looking worse than they already were. Then they got rich and now they think that money equals class (Donald Trump is proof that is not true), so they have to start giving their kids retarded foreign names like Johan and Francois, and vacation in St. Bart’s while Simon wears a man’s bikini. I really REALLY love their addiction to bad fashion, most notably Roberto Cavalli and all his crazy prints. They are so together that it’s almost sickening how much they need each other, and can’t be away from each other. I hope Bravo gives them their own show so I can have a whole hour devoted to them telling me what they’re doing this week to make them more worldly - like how their au pair only speaks French to the children so that they’ll be bilingual. I love them so much.

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Here at my company, I always try to maintain an impeccably high degree of professionalism at all times.

Ok, that’s a lie. I’m almost never professional, but whatever.

I’m generally in a pretty good, light-hearted mood at work, and try to keep the humor up as much as possible, because I find that it makes people less of an asshole to deal with if I crack jokes with them all the time. Yesterday, we were having birthday cake for the March birthdays in our office, and one of my (many) bosses was talking about his wife being pregnant.

Later, he came up to my desk to talk to me about something, and I said, “Hey, way to knock up the wife.” And in my best David Putty voice said, “High five.” He laughed, and we joked about it for a few minutes. And then the black cloud of our office came to my desk and said, “I can’t believe you said that. You’re so lucky [HR Boss] is out of the office or you’d be written up!” So I looked at her for a minute, and replied, “Uh, he’s the owner’s son and the COO. I’m pretty sure that if he thought it was out of line, HE would do something.” Twit.

We have a refrigerator here full of drinks for the staff. Since I am the lowest form of life in this office, I am the one who gets to make sure it’s always full of drinks so people don’t see that their beverage of choice is out and shit their pants. Gatorade is one of the drinks we normally have, and we always buy a case that has orange, lemon-lime, and fruit punch. We’ve bought those flavors since the beginning, because that’s the kind Costco always has when we get drinks.

Well, this time they didn’t have those flavors. Instead, we got grape, berry, and strawberry. As soon as I saw it, I said to my co-worker Soccer Mom (who is the one who buys the drinks), “This is bad. People are going to freak out about this.” And it reminded me of The Great Colored Post-It Debacle of 2003, which was my first glimpse of the affore-mentioned pants-shitting.

I was doing my regular office supply order, and another co-worker asked me if I could order some post-its that were a different color than the boring canary ones we always got. Being a fan of color myself, I ordered three sizes in all different colors. It didn’t take long for people to come up to my desk, with terror in their eyes. “Where are the post-its?”

“They’re in the supply closet where they always are.”

“No. There are colored things, but where are the post-its???”

“Those ARE post-its.”

“No. They’re not. WHERE ARE THE YELLOW POST-ITS THAT WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD?!? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WITH THESE???”

“I promise you, they’re EXACTLY THE SAME.”

“But they’re not yellow. Look at this. IT’S PINK! What do I do with this???”

After that, PaperMate discontinued the style of blue pen that I bought, and when I bought the new style, the same thing happened.

These people are so not good with change.

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