It’s hard faking a smile when I feel like I’m falling apart inside.
Warning: No humor, all whining ahead.
Have you ever felt like all the people that you thought had your back suddenly didn’t really give a shit about you anymore? Because that’s how I feel right now.
I feel totally disconnected from everything and everyone around me. I have felt for a while like my parents are too busy with my sister to notice that I’m still around, and as pathetic as I feel at 34 years old feeling like my parents love her more, the fact is, I do feel that way, and I’ve tried for years to get over it, and I just can’t. I feel like it’s something that I can’t talk to them about, because they’re so in denial about it that it would only create more trouble than already exists. I wish I could tell them that for the first time in my life, I feel like the Child From The First Marriage. I feel like the three of them are this tight little family unit, and I’m the one standing outside the bubble pushing it trying to pop the bubble, but my finger just keeps pushing further and further, and it never breaks. I wish I could ask why the parents I had aren’t the same ones that she has. I wish I could ask my mom why she’s so upset that her mother loves to my two psycho aunts more than her, when she’s doing the same thing. I wish I could ask my dad why I can’t get him to fix the broken bathroom wall in my apartment, or the broken window that drives my heating bill up (he’s my landlord, too), but my sister gets a whole new remodeled bathroom. I wish I could tell him that I cried for two hours on Saturday night because he let my sister interrupt me telling him about the shootout at Kay’s to bitch about the nascar race they were watching. And then I wish I could ask him why he would tell me that her interruption about a fucking race on television was important - and therefore more valid than me being inside a house where bullets were flying around outside.
I wish I didn’t care so much about this.
My friendship with Kay continues to be a source of frustration. We have always enjoyed a fair amount of “debate”, but for the last year or so, I don’t know what her problem is. She just lashes out and tells me (usually out of NOWHERE) whatever it is she thinks I’m doing wrong about whatever she feels like. I’ve always assumed that it was based on her own unhappiness about something, but now I’m not so sure. To be perfectly honest, I’m not so sure she likes me very much.
Kay has known for TWO YEARS that RAM’s reading is way below the level of his classmates. He is currently repeating the second grade, and his teacher recently told Kay that he’s still behind. In all of this time, they’ve done nothing beyond his time in the classroom with his teacher to improve his reading. I gave up saying anything because she just ignored me, and told me that he was “getting better” over and over.
Well, he didn’t get better, so rather than pay a tutor, Kay asked me to do it. I told her that I would gladly do whatever I could to help RAM improve his reading, as long as she agreed to the following conditions: that we have a set, consistent weekly schedule, and that she and DMX not be there when it happens. Neither of those things have happened. I told her last week when she flipped the days that I only agreed to this based on the agreement that we have a schedule. I told her if she was paying a tutor, they would tell her the same thing. She then told me it was because of his baseball, and that “school isn’t the only thing in his life. Baseball is very important.” Can you see where this is going?
Today I got an email that I would have to come tomorrow instead of today because DMX was taking RAM to a Dodgers game. Enjoy this exchange:
Kay: DMX and RAM are going with DB to a Dodgers game tonight… DMX said that he told you Friday that we would have to change your tutor with RAM to tomorrow night..
Me:No, he didn’t tell me that.
Kay: That is what DMX told me… so 6:30 tomorrow??
Me: This is frustrating. I agreed to change last week because his practice changed, but I’m not going to do this every week. Maybe I’m not the right person to do this.
Kay: What can I say he has a game that was planned for a while and I forgot to tell you and DMX says he metioned it to you Friday…?? Our life is kind of like this… things come up and we adjust.. that is just how it is. If you are unable or dont want to change the dates- then what can I say? I thank you for doing this and I want you to work with RAM- but if we have to only have one schedule and one time, then we are unable to commit to that.
Me: Well, I told you in the beginning I wanted it to be a set schedule and you agreed to that. We just discussed it last week and I told I would only change for his baseball. I’m not sure why you’re so casual about something so important - that you can’t set aside two days for a few weeks so that RAM can go into the third grade confident in his ability to read at the same level as his classmates. I’m sorry it worked out this way, but I think it would be best if you found someone who could be more flexible with your schedule.
Kay: Thanks
That’s her reply. “Thanks.”
Am I the one in the wrong here? Because seriously, I can’t even wrap my brain around the fact that they’re being so lax about their child LEARNING TO READ. Kay just doesn’t prioritize. She thinks work and school should be at the bottom of the List Of Things To Care About. And it frustrates the shit out of me. I feel like ultimately, RAM is the one who’s getting the shaft here, but I feel like if I don’t take a stand about this, Kay’s going to think it’s OK to show her kid that his education isn’t important. I thought that if I threatened to not do it anymore, she would realize that it’s not that big a deal for them to set aside two goddamn nights a week for me to read with that boy. But that didn’t work, and now we’re not talking.
I can’t WAIT to see what kind of wonderful email she’ll send me tomorrow telling me how much I don’t care about RAM for not tutoring him anymore. She’ll completely remove any blame from herself, and make me look like a jerk for daring to ask her to consider my own schedule, since I was DOING THIS FOR FREE.
I wish I knew what was going on in her head, because I just don’t understand her line of thinking.
Maybe we’re just growing apart. Maybe I’m being too judgmental about the way she lives her life. And maybe she just doesn’t like me very much anymore. I don’t know.
And, guess what else? My boss more or less told me I’ll never get away from the front desk.
My life is so awesome.
Comment by warcrygirl
May 7, 2008 @
My mom is the same way your parents are, she’s always favored my sister. She refused to LOAN me her car for my driving test yet co-signed to get my sister a brand new car. One day I asked her why and her response was something like “Oh well, T needs so much more help than you!” My sister has dyslexia and I got straight A’s without trying, I don’t see why that would negate my need for a driver’s license.
As far as the Kay/RAM thing: when she does send the “boo hoo you don’t love RAM” email simply remind her she’s his mother, it’s HER JOB to make sure his reading is up to par. If she still tries to blame you for his failure you’ll need to re-evaluate your friendship. Would you be happier still being friends or by cutting her out of your life (or reducing the amount of time you spend with her)? Kay isn’t responsible for Ike’s well-being, you aren’t responsible for RAMS’s education. PERIOD. And no, that doesn’t mean that you don’t care.