At least I only cried once today. (But it’s only 11 a.m.)
The responses to my last post have been amazing. I know that most of the time this blog is just a depository for my obsession with Hollywood and jokes at everyone else’s expense, but when it comes right down to it, you guys pretty much kick ass when it comes to support. It always amazes me when a group of relative strangers give me more than I feel like I’m getting from some of the people who’ve known me my whole life who profess to love me.
(My co-worker brought his two year-old into the office today, and it’s incredibly hard for me to concentrate when what I really want to do is run around with her and play princess and be silly for a while.)
I don’t know what I’ll do with my parents. There’s no good way to approach it without creating tension between my sister and I or making my parents feel guilty. And while I think they should feel a little guilty, I don’t really believe they’re doing it on purpose. (But it doesn’t make me feel any better.) And it doesn’t change the fact that a 23 year-old has complete control of her parents, and gets whatever she wants whenever she wants it by acting like a spoiled little tyrant. I just don’t like my sister, and if I told them that, there’s no way for them to be totally hurt.
I’m not sure where things with Kay are headed. When I got to work yesterday, there was an email that said, “How about if we wait until June, when baseball will be over, and then you can have the whole month?” And I just almost passed out from exasperation, because I could NOT believe this was really happening. So I sat and thought for a while, and I wondered if I shouldn’t just suck up my pride and just agree for RAM’s sake, because when it comes right down to it, that little boy means more to me than I can ever express in words. I know that if I stand my ground, and don’t do anything, Kay will likely not pursue anything further in terms of finding him another tutor, and he’ll continue to struggle. But then I feel like Kay’s led such a charmed life, and gotten her way about so many things, and I can’t reward her stupid decision-making by agreeing to YET ANOTHER of her bullshit excuses. I hated what I had to do, but I sent this:
I don’t understand this at all. I can not tutor RAM. I feel badly about this, but I have to tell you, your disregard for what’s happening here frustrates me to no end. Not only do you not care that I’m giving my time and energy to this, but it seems like you just don’t care that RAM can barely read, and fun is more important than that. Especially after we just went around about this last week. I’m sorry… but I can’t do this. Because last week you told me it would only be for baseball, and already that went out the window. What’s it going to be next month? I asked for a consistent schedule for two reasons. Because kids need consistency, and because it would challenge you to stick to something, and you can’t even give me two stupid nights a week. I’m not asking you to donate a kidney. I’m asking you to make your kid’s basic intelligence more important than whatever “comes up”.
Just because you’re getting something for free, doesn’t mean you can treat it like it has no value.
Her reply? “Well I’m sorry you feel that way.”
I’m sorry, too. Mostly because if this thing with Kay blows up and we’re not friends anymore, that means that little boy is gone, too, and that just breaks my heart.
I know that I need to make a change in my life. I know that it seems like someone in the universe (maybe it’s Xenu!) is telling me it’s time to get out of my comfort zone - whether it’s my friends, my job, or where I live - or ALL of those. I admit, I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking about something new. About whether or not I have the guts to leave everything in my life behind and dare to try something new in a new place. But then I’ve thought that maybe I don’t have to leave California entirely to be happy. There are a lot of places in California I would love to live, but I want to live in a nice neighborhood, and if you’re not independently wealthy, that’s not easy to achieve. I’m also pretty sick of apartment living, and I think trying to have a house here is totally out of the question - unless I want to live somewhere that I’m afraid to drive alone at night, have to have bars on the windows, get woken up in the middle of the night by the police helicopter, and have to dodge the drug dealer to get to my car. I live in a crappy enough neighborhood now, I don’t want to deal with that again.
Now, I realize that you’re all thinking that the obvious choice would be for me to move to Virginia, since that’s where Scott lives. And believe me - that’s been on my mind heavily lately. But there’s a lot to consider there - aside from the fact that there’s actual WEATHER there that I would have to deal with, which I am not used to (OH MY GOD THE HUMIDITY), but there is such a huge difference between there and here. I don’t know if I’m ready to give up my California Mexican food. Or the sunsets. Or the nice movie theaters with big chairs and cup holders. And then I think about it… and it’s like, why am I so attached to a fucking burrito? I know how to cook Mexican food. How many times do I really go watch the sunset? I don’t know. I don’t know if any of this makes any sense, because I’m pretty much just typing every thought that comes into my head as I think it.
I know that the first thing I need to do is think about my next career move.
Is the position of space cowboy still open?
Comment by Smed
May 8, 2008 @
Go! Get thee gone! Don’t worry. Californ-i-a will always be there, but you right now need to be elsewhere.