More fun at the expense of my family.
Today I went over to my grandma’s house for dinner. She made me a frozen burrito for dinner (shutup, that’s totally grandmother-y), and when I told her how good I forgot those particular burritos were, she said, “Well, those Mexicans are good for something. They make some good food!”
Yes, grandma. They sure do.
After about an hour of cat chat, what’s-wrong-with-everyone-else-in-my-family, and omg-did-you-see-on-the-news-some-guy-beat/raped/murdered/sold into white slavery-his wife, uncle Chris Peterson came in to remind me that I do in fact come from lunatics.
“So, are you just broken up about Hillary?”
I don’t watch a lot of news, so I wasn’t sure what he meant. “Huh?”
“Hillary’s out. Obama’s in.”
“Why would I be broken up about that?”
“Aren’t you going to vote for her?”
“Have I ever said I was?”
“I thought you were a big Clinton supporter.”
“I was. BILL Clinton. It just so happens I’ve been an Obama supporter for a while.”
He groaned, rolled his eyes, and sighed. “Ugh, I should have known. One day when you wake up and know something about politics, you’re going to have a heart attack from the shock.”
These are the conversations I love to engage him in, because they’re so idiotic that I can’t stop. “I’m sorry - what does politics have to do with cardiac arrest? I guess I’m more stupider than I thought. I don’t get it.”
“Don’t you even realize that he’s a muslim?”
“Who?”
He laughed patronizingly. “OBAMA.”
“Oh… no, I wasn’t aware that was the case. Can you believe I had no idea!? So, should we just string him up now, or wait for him to tell us where he’s hiding Bin Laden?”
“Trust me, Andria. He’s Islam.”
“Why do you think that?”
“It’s known!”
“Please don’t say it’s because his middle-”
“His name is HUSSEIN. He hates white people!!”
I sighed. The heavy, frustrated sigh of realizing that the same vagina that thrust him forth into the world is the same one that thrust my mother, who is not psychotically bigoted like he is. “How do you know he hates white people? He’s half white. And why would you care if he hates white people - YOU HATE BLACK PEOPLE. Doesn’t that make you a racist AND a hypocrite?”
“I don’t hate black people. I hate trashy people.”
“That’s a racist cop-out. You always say that, but you never EVER make comments about all the white trash that are taking over your Sizzler and your Tony Roma’s. You’ve never said you wish all the white trash would go back to where they come from.”
“Do you even realize what’s going to happen to this country if Obama gets into office?”
“I think it will mean he’s president.”
He rolled his eyes. “I mean his policies. The war. He’s going to make a mess of Iraq, drive us into a recession, and fuck up our health care system!” He was very agitated. “WE CAN NOT HAVE BARACK OBAMA FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!”
“So, what do you think of all the gays getting married in California now?”
And then his head exploded.
Comment by awittykitty
June 24, 2008 @
Did you just encapsulate Bush’s entire presidency in that last paragraph? My mom is the same way though. I love to bait her. “Why don’t you like Black People, mom?” She gets all irate and recounts the time we had Buckwheat from the “Little Rascals” to our house for coffee. (riotious laughter)