Like a rolling stone.
Celestia is, among many other psychotic things, a hypochondriac. A RAGING hypochondriac. I almost wish I would have kept a more comprehensive accounting of her various ailments and treatments, because it wold make excellent blog fodder.
Because she’s so obsessed with health, and exercise, and vitamins, and all that crap, she doesn’t go to regular doctors very much. About two years ago, she told me she was having all these problems, and some old guy made a thyroid medication out of herbs, weeds, the blood of a newborn baby and eye of newt. (Some ingredients may be exagerrated by me.) As are all the treatments, it was the MIRACLE treatment that made her feel better. Until the next week, when something else goes terribly wrong.
Last week, while I was cleaning up the kitchen, she came in and told me that her CHIROPRACTOR told her she had gall stones. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t trust anyone who went to medical school for six weeks and can’t even prescribe drugs, so I said, “You’re trusting your chiropractor to make GI diagnoses?”
“What is GI?”
“Gastrointestinal. You know - the part that ISN’T BONES.”
Yesterday, I overheard her explaining the treatment that her trusted medical professional suggested as a way to “naturally pass” the gall stones. Basically, she could only eat apples, apple sauce, apple juice, olive oil, and lemon juice for two days and nothing else.
Today, I was sitting in the kitchen on my lunch break reading. My co-worker Soccer Mom sent me a warning email before I got to work this morning to brace myself, that she was going to be telling everyone about this miracle cure and how it helped her, and blah blah blah. She came in, so I picked up the magazine to cover my face so that I would look uninterested in talking.
Didn’t work.
“OH MY GOD! Did I tell you what I did?”
“Um… yeah…?” I thought if I acted like she told me, maybe she’d move on. No.
“Well, I was on this diet. All I could eat was apples during the day, and then at night I had to drink a half a cup of olive oil, followed by a half a cup of lemon juice.”
“Oh.”
“So I passed, like, three hundred gall stones this morning?”
“You counted them?”
“Well, no, but you know - it was a TON.”
“How could you do that and not be writhing in pain at the same time, passing something like that through your urethra?” See how I bust out that medical terminology? I am such a bad ass.
“No, see - the treatment PULLS the stones up and they pass through the colon.”
Jesus christ.
“Ok, Celestia - so what you’re telling me is that you ate nothing but apples - a fruit really high in fiber - for two days straight, with olive oil each night - increasing your fiber intake by like, a thousand percent and you think it was gall stones you were passing THROUGH YOUR COLON?”
“Yeah! It totally worked!”
It sure did. This chiropractor is probably making a fortune off of her.
11 Comments »
Comment by warcrygirl
July 23, 2008 @
I don’t know what is more disturbing: her following and believing this shit or the fact that she inspects what she leaves in the toilet. I mean, I thought I was the only one who did that. Her next diet will be nothing but pepperoni, pasta and red wine; the result will be her passing Jimmy Hoffa.
Comment by Kristen
July 23, 2008 @
Alright, i’m going to need Celestia to draw me a picture of how her gall bladder is connected to her colon.
Comment by awittykitty
July 23, 2008 @
Celestia really needs to star in her own reality show. I’d definitely watch. Maybe you could narrate like: “Now Celestia approaches the bathroom in search of relief of her 300 gallstones after her cleansing 2 day diet of fresh fruit and Chriropractica Juice, now available on ChiropracticaJuice.com.”
Comment by Chickpea
July 23, 2008 @
That just pisses me off. I think I’d clock her if I worked with her and I wouldn’t mind losing my job for it. Coming from someone who’s passed a gallstone, I can honestly say she is completely full of shit - ok maybe not anymore due to her recent diet. First off, to pass one, it has to be tiny and you won’t really see it. Second, it’s excrutiating and I was writhing in agony on a bed for 6 hours not understanding what was going on and contemplating going to the ER. Third, there are a few good chiropractors in the world but this one is a fucking quack and he and Celestia deserve each other. After passing the baby one, I eventually had a sonogram and it showed that I had a big one in there. My big gallstone was so big that it blocked functions and I ended up in the ER with emergency removal surgery and had the whole organ removed with the stone. Fuck her. I cannot believe someone married that idiot.
Comment by scott
July 23, 2008 @
300! it must’ve sounded like the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre in the toilet (the olive oil must’ve floated them all back upstream). hmmmm… that makes the Jimmy Hoffa comment sound pretty plausible. and i’m still laughing about that one.
Comment by golfwidow
July 23, 2008 @
I think I know what connects the gall bladder to the colon.
The Brooklyn Bridge.
(I’m here all week. Try the veal.)
Comment by nogoodadddy
July 24, 2008 @
Thank you Kristen. I was asking the same thing. I kinda thought the gall bladder was related to the liver and the creation of bile and stuff like that. Seems Rutgers led me astray on yet another count.
If I ate that diet? Holy shit.
Literally.
Comment by Nightmare
July 27, 2008 @
What a twit.
If you lived in Michigan I would swear that celestia, was really a woman named Laural and she used to be married to a friend of mine. She just had her gall bladder taken out, and I’m pretty sure that she hasn’t left the couch in 8 years ’splain that Lucy!
Comment by HRT
July 28, 2008 @
Still crazy after all these years…
So I just hit your archives, and apparently Celestia first hit the scene some 4 to 8 years ago. How is it physically possibly to sustain crazy for that long? I mean, I always thought that crazy was like a stage in life, something that you either outgrew, or died from? We should get Dateline, Nightline, the Discovery Health Channel or SOMEbody out there to check her out, cause that’s just not natural to be that crazy for that long.
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Comment by Violet
July 23, 2008 @
Why are we not setting up a website advertising Magical Treatments and making a fortune off this girl, ourselves?