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Celestia is, among many other psychotic things, a hypochondriac. A RAGING hypochondriac. I almost wish I would have kept a more comprehensive accounting of her various ailments and treatments, because it wold make excellent blog fodder.

Because she’s so obsessed with health, and exercise, and vitamins, and all that crap, she doesn’t go to regular doctors very much. About two years ago, she told me she was having all these problems, and some old guy made a thyroid medication out of herbs, weeds, the blood of a newborn baby and eye of newt. (Some ingredients may be exagerrated by me.) As are all the treatments, it was the MIRACLE treatment that made her feel better. Until the next week, when something else goes terribly wrong.

Last week, while I was cleaning up the kitchen, she came in and told me that her CHIROPRACTOR told her she had gall stones. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t trust anyone who went to medical school for six weeks and can’t even prescribe drugs, so I said, “You’re trusting your chiropractor to make GI diagnoses?”

“What is GI?”

“Gastrointestinal. You know - the part that ISN’T BONES.”

Yesterday, I overheard her explaining the treatment that her trusted medical professional suggested as a way to “naturally pass” the gall stones. Basically, she could only eat apples, apple sauce, apple juice, olive oil, and lemon juice for two days and nothing else.

Today, I was sitting in the kitchen on my lunch break reading. My co-worker Soccer Mom sent me a warning email before I got to work this morning to brace myself, that she was going to be telling everyone about this miracle cure and how it helped her, and blah blah blah. She came in, so I picked up the magazine to cover my face so that I would look uninterested in talking.

Didn’t work.

“OH MY GOD! Did I tell you what I did?”

“Um… yeah…?” I thought if I acted like she told me, maybe she’d move on. No.

“Well, I was on this diet. All I could eat was apples during the day, and then at night I had to drink a half a cup of olive oil, followed by a half a cup of lemon juice.”

“Oh.”

“So I passed, like, three hundred gall stones this morning?”

“You counted them?”

“Well, no, but you know - it was a TON.”

“How could you do that and not be writhing in pain at the same time, passing something like that through your urethra?” See how I bust out that medical terminology? I am such a bad ass.

“No, see - the treatment PULLS the stones up and they pass through the colon.”

Jesus christ.

“Ok, Celestia - so what you’re telling me is that you ate nothing but apples - a fruit really high in fiber - for two days straight, with olive oil each night - increasing your fiber intake by like, a thousand percent and you think it was gall stones you were passing THROUGH YOUR COLON?”

“Yeah! It totally worked!”

It sure did. This chiropractor is probably making a fortune off of her.