yeahimadork.com

So, here’s how it works at my office: I am the receptionist. I answer the phones. Celestia is my back-up, so whenever I’m away from my desk, or at lunch, or on vacation, she has to answer the phones (and she HATES it). In the event Celestia can not answer the phones (which really shouldn’t happen), Soccer Mom is the second back-up. (Soccer Mom is not a jerk about doing this - in fact, she’s not a jerk about doing anything to help someone around the office. She’s pretty cool that way.)

Last week, I sent HR Boss (my immediate supervisor) an email that said, “Hey, HR Boss, Scott’s thinking about coming out here August 7-11. Is the 7th, 8th, and 11th free? I don’t want to tell him to buy his ticket if I can’t get the time off.” I ask this because Celestia and I can’t be gone at the same time, for the reason phone coverage. She immediately responded with “No problem, Andria.” So I sent Scott an email and told him that everything was set, so he bought the ticket.

That same afternoon, I made a copy of my time off request and put one on Celestia’s desk.

About two hours later (right after she came back from lunch), Celestia ran into HR Boss’s office and closed the door. (We’re pretty much an open door office, so when a door gets shut, suspicion arises.) Fifteen minutes later, she flung the door open and went back to her desk, and I got an email from HR Boss that said, “Have you bought tickets yet? Celestia asked about those days, but Mr. Big Shot [her immediate supervisor, and the first one to approve her time off] never signed off on it.”

I responded. “Yes.” Her response was, “OK, no problem.” Then I looked at the email Celestia sent her IN MAY about taking those same days because she wanted to take a trip for her birthday. I looked at the words she used: I am thinking of maybe taking the weekend of my birthday off, are those days available? And that’s all she said. She never got back to HR Boss about taking the time, so HR Boss never blocked it off on her calendar. You would think that would be a pretty cut and dry situation, but we all know with her, it’s never easy.

As soon as Celestia ran back to her desk, I saw her extension light up on my switchboard. I waited a few minutes, and then got up and walked by her desk. I looked at her, and she was BAWLING. (I love that she has no shame about crying right out in public. I suspect that is a ploy to elicit sympathy. FAIL.) I felt victorious. I purposely dicked around in the kitchen because it’s right by her desk, and it would annoy the shit out of her for me to be standing around while she wanted to cry and whine about all the horrible persecution that she suffers as a result of my presence at our company. Perhaps this makes me petty.

The next morning, HR Boss told me that for the rest of that afternoon, Celestia sent emails and made comments about how unfair this is, it’s her birthday, and who cares about me and my dumb boyfriend anyway. Then she tried to imply that because her idiot husband has taken over the family business, his schedule is so tight that he barely gets time off, but her birthday was special, so he made sure to get the time off. Which translates to Celestia’s time = more important than Andria’s time. FUCK HER AND FUCK THAT.

My boss wouldn’t relent, and told her she couldn’t have the time off, that it was her responsibility to follow up on Mr. Big Shot when the request sits on his desk unsigned, and that if she didn’t formally request the time off, there’s nothing she can do if someone asks for time she “might be thinking about” taking. She did not take this well. The next day, she gave HR Boss signed requests for every holiday weekend for the rest of the year, which HR Boss will approve because I’m not a GIANT ASSHOLE who asked for every holiday weekend for the rest of the year already.

The thing that makes me laugh about that is that she really thinks she’s giving me the shaft by taking the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and New Year’s Eve. But what she doesn’t think about is that a) half the office is gone, so the phone never rings, and b) we only work a half day. So I’ll get paid for a full day of doing nothing and get off at noon, and Celestia will use up one whole vacation day for each of them.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

WHORE.

A couple of days later, I was in the kitchen doing something, when one of my co-workers came in and said, “Do you know there’s ‘desk rage’ now?”

I said, “No, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got it. Is this something I can file a disability or workmen’s comp claim for?”

Then we started talking about a particular horrendous couple of days I had dealing with telemarketers, and Celestia chimed in from her desk, “You know, Andria, if it gets to be too much, just let me know and I’ll take the phones for you for a while.”

Without realizing it, I started laughing out loud hysterically, and said, “Yeah, suuuuuuuuure you will! Hahahaha!!!” And then I walked out of the kitchen and went back to my desk.

Five minutes later, she was crying again.

Thirty minutes after that, she sent out a link to the whole office to her anniversary “look what narcissistic dickheads we are” pictures.

I wonder what it will be next.

(Oh, she also almost cried today because of the new iPhone. I’ll have to tell that one later, but it’s good.)