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Number of times my dad made us listen to “Alice’s Restaurant” before we went to my grandma’s: 4 (UGH)

Number of couples at my grandma’s house: 6

Number of cars at my grandma’s house: 11 (they can not drive in the same car)

Number of kids crying: 3

Number of times of each of those kids cried: About 14

Number of adults crying: 1

Number of racist remarks made: Too many to count

Number of racist remarks made about the ethnicity of people actually sitting at our table: 23

Number of times I had to bite my tongue and stop myself from reaching over the table and punching someone: 2568

Number of stuffings: FIVE

Number of times my dad and I looked at each other and wished we were anywhere else: 16

Number of times I thought about how this family thinks my [real] dad’s family is just poor white trash and how they’re better,  even though in reality, that family has more quality and value than they could ever have: 39

Number of times I asked god why me? : 1000023

Number of times Aunt Mormon told me her pharmacy co-pay went from $20 to $80: 3

Number of times someone told me how good I looked and then asked how much more weight I wanted to lose: 5

Number of times my cousin B’s pregnant bitch of a wife ate throughout the day: ZERO (she doesn’t want to get fat, you know)

Number of times said wife said she doesn’t like babies: 5

Number of times I watched my cousin J put more make-up/powder on her face: 4 (I could probably spoon it off, she wears so much)

Number of times I thought it would be funny if I put the “2 girls 1 cup” video on Chris Peterson’s gigantic monitor and just walked away would make for the best Thanksgiving ever: 1
(I’m not linking to that video. If you want to find it, google it. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Number of times I thought if I was in Virginia with Scott, I wouldn’t have to do this, and I’d probably be getting lucky right now: 3058

Number of times I was disgusted by my relatives: 454987132154873.

Number of times I thought my mormon relatives were just as batshit crazy as scientologists: 1256

Number of times my sister and I texted (is that word?) each other about how much we hate Thanksgiving with our family: 14

Number of times I thought about how great it is that we get to go through this again in one month: 51

Number of times I was glad booze would be involved that day: 51

Number of times I was relieved that my mom raised me differently than the rest of my family was raised: Still counting.