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OK, so I know I tend to rip celebrities pretty regularly in this here blog, but I’m a little sad about Heath Ledger. Mostly because he wasn’t like Amy Winehouse, or Britney Spears, or Pete Doherty - I wake up each day expecting to hear they’re dead. Their problems are known. Everyone, whether they’re in the industry or not, knows what strung-out losers they are. (Although I have a whole new theory about Britney. I’ll get into that later.)

And I’m  totally disgusted by websites like TMZ, who had  fucking streaming video from in front of the building where he lived so everyone could see his body being brought out, and you could hear papparrazzi yelling, “Body! Body! Body!” when they saw the EMTs bringing his body out of the building.

Gosh. It’s too bad Tom and his wacky band of kooks couldn’t rehabilitate him. Because, you know - THEY ARE THE AUTHORITIES.

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You know, the fact that there’s a painting of my cousin and his wife and kid isn’t what appalled me. I guess you have to know them - and how materialistic they are, and how important it is that everyone think their life is perfect, and they have everything, and look perfect - to truly find the pretention of them having a painting of themselves hanging on the wall.

While we were at their house, Aunt Denial was telling a story about one of her in-laws and how her kid is a spoiled asshole. Apparently, the mother always says, “Charlotte Rae, what can mommy get for you?”

I said, “Uh, she named her kid after Mrs.Garrett?”

“What?”

“You know, Mrs. Garrett.”

“Andria, we don’t always get your [insert air quote] Hollywood humor.”

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So, I think Britney might be some kind of trailor park genius. Seriously. I think she’ll do anything to have all the attention, and acting crazy and fucked up is just the best way to get on the cover of the tabloids.

Kay and I were arguing about this today, and she made the point that she wouldn’t look like shit all the time, and lose her kids if she wasn’t on something and/or nuts. But I don’t think she gives a shit about those kids. I think she had them because a) that’s what white trashies do - they breed, and b) she probably had them, thinking that it would keep PoPo Zau from straying and leaving her. Unfortunately, she failed to realize that he bailed on his other babymama for her, and that she was just the next repository for his seed, and the sucker that would buy him a Ferrarri.

I really do think that the majority of what’s happening (if not all of it) is all of her own doing - and careful manipulation. She knows what gets her in the tabloids, and in all the blogs and entertainment shows, and it’s not staying home and watching American Idol with the kiddies. It’s speaking with some Jeri Hall-ish southern British accent while driving around aimlessly while idiot photographers follow her around wondering what’s going to happen next. And now that the media is busy sensationalizing the surpise death of a movie star, she’s going to have to come up with something pretty good to get her face back in the news every minute of every day.

So what’s it going to be? A massive meltdown in front of the cameras? Sex tape?

Half-hearted suicide attempt? Taking the kids and fleeing the country? A sudden marriage to OJ Simpson?

Conversion to scientology?

Oh, man, I totally hope it’s that one.