yeahimadork.com

Kathy Griffin was totally awesome. (Yes, I really did just say “totally awesome.”)

I think DMX was a tad uncomfortable with all the gays up in the Kodak Theater (which I found amusing), but we all had a good time. Kathy did not disappoint. Although, in a moment of “this can only happen to me what the fuck did I ever do to deserve this”, I thought for a few moments that I was sitting next to the first guy I met off AOL, this writer/journalist guy who’s pretty skeezy. Luckily, he didn’t reek of cigarette smoke and cheesiness, so it wasn’t him.

_________________________
So I know the Batshit Crazy Light is shining on Britney right now (boy is it EVER), but I think we need to turn it on to my favorite cult nutjob, Tom Cruise.

It seems the Church of Scientology gave him some award (apparently bringing in that pompous windbag Will Smith gets him a super big merit badge). There were videos of his speech online, and I was going to post them, but then they disappeared. Apparently the scientology minions took them down.

Here is a transcript of his wacky speech. Let’s enjoy it together, shall we?

I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist, and it’s something that you have to earn because a Scientologist does… has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. Being a Scientologist, you look at someone and know absolutely that you can help them.

Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident… you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.

But that’s what drives me… I know that we have an opportunity to really help… effectively change people’s lives and I am dedicated to that. I am absolutely, uncompromisingly dedicated to that.

We have a responsibility.

We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions… we can rehabilitate criminals.

…We can bring peace and unite cultures…

Traveling the world and meeting the people that I’ve met, talking with these leaders in various fields, they want help and they are depending on people who know and who can be effective and do it and that’s us. That is our responsibility to do that.

It is the time now. Now is the time… Being a Scientologist, people are turning to you, so you better know it, you better know it and if you don’t, go and learn it, but don’t pretend you know it. It’s like we’re here to help.

If you’re a Scientologist, you see life, you see things the way they are, in all its glory, all of its complexity and the more you know as a Scientologist, you don’t become overwhelmed by it.

Look, I wish the world was a different place. I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that, you know what I mean. That’s what I want it to be. There’s times I’d like to do that, but I can’t because I know I have to do something about it.

I have to do it because I can’t live with myself if I don’t, and that really is it.

So it’s our responsibility to educate, create the new reality. We have that responsibility to say, “Hey, this is the way it should be done because we do it this way and people are actually getting better.”

And let’s get it done. Let’s really get it done and have enough love and compassion and toughness that you’re really going to do it and do it right.

I have to tell you something – it is rough and tumble, and it’s wild and wooly, and it’s a blast, it’s a blast, it really is fun because, dammit, there is nothing better than the going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you see things are better.

I want to know that I’ve done everything I could everyday, and I think about those people out there who are depending on us. I think about that and it does make me feel that we’ve got more work. I need more help, get those spectators either in the playing field or out of the arena. Really, that’s how I feel about it.

I do what I can, and I do it the way I do everything. [laughs] There’s nothing part-of-the way for me.

Oh, boy.

OK. So let’s discuss some of the wackier points in his speech.

“Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident… you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one that can really help.”

Never mind those pesky emergency workers with their medical training and emergency vehicles. Tom Cruise and his Mercedez will transport you to Xenu and beyond!!

“We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions… we can rehabilitate criminals.”

Scientology is the answer to our over-crowded prisons!! That is the answer! We must release all the felons and send them all to the Celebrity Center in Hollywood. I mean, they ARE the only ones who can rehabilitate them. And then we’ll have no more crime! Scientology saves the day!!!!

” …We can bring peace and unite cultures…”

Thousands of years of war and intolerance can be obliterated by Tom and the other alien-loving wackos! He will save the children!!

OH MY FUCKING GOD HE IS INSANE.

ETA: Chickpea sent me the video. Watch it. Love it. FEAR IT.