yeahimadork.com

Dear United States Congress,

What up. Listen, I’m going to go ahead and need a bailout over here. I know that as our leaders, and the men and women who decide where tax dollars are dispensed, you’re all very busy, but I feel I should throw my hat into the ring and go ahead and beg.

I’m single, and childless, and don’t own a home. All of those things of course mean that I have no tax benefits whatsoever, so I am paying the maximum amount of taxes. Much like our friends in the credit and automotive industries, I’ve fallen on some hard times. I have A LOT of expensive habits. I’m a gadget whore, I spend endless money on music, I want to travel, and I want many, many cameras and expensive lenses. So you can imagine it’s hard to maintain this lifestyle on my meager salary, and as such, I’ve accrued a bit of credit card debt. But look, it’s not all my fault - I mean, no one made AmEx, Citibank, and HSBC give me all that credit. How can I be held responsible for this debt when these corporate devils gave me all this free money? Yes, it’s true that I may have lived beyond my means, but if those credit card companies didn’t give me the credit to begin with, I wouldn’t be in this mess now, would I? (The answer of course, is no.)

In addition to the credit card debt that is clearly not my fault, I’m also buried under a mountain of medical debt, since I was bamboozled into a surgery that ended up not being covered by my insurance, so now I’m on the hook for about ten thousand dollars of debt (some of which is accruing interest by the fucking second). I also have a cat who has bad kidneys, which is not his fault, so how can he or I be held responsible for all of his costly veterinary bills?

As you can see, I am in a precarious situation here. And since it’s clearly (CLEARLY) not my fault, I feel the taxpayers should just take care of it for me.

I look forward to hearing from you.

And by “hearing from you”, I mean “send me a big check.”

Sincerely,

Andria
Torrance, CA